It's been a while

I haven't written in a while.  My life has been busy lately.  I'd like to say busy with something great and productive and wonderful.  My life for the most part these past couple of years has had no such luck.  I failed my nursing boards.  It was my first time taking them and having just graduated a month ago i was extremely hopeful.  Chris and I also broke up for good this time.  He's now fallen off the face of the earth, changed his phone number.  That probably means he's up to no good and going back to old habits (drugs, stealing).  When I met Chris I had no idea he had a problem.  A few months into it, I was in love with him when I realized.  He aid he knew he had a problem and was seeking help.  You never think it's going to be you.  I realize now how vulnerable I was after the rape for have attracted someone like him.  He totally took advantage of me and the state I was in.  It's funny because I saw myself as strong but i was only in denial.  So...that hurt like hell.  Now he's gone for good, I know it's for the best and I'll be better off but I do miss him which kills.  I also miss the role I was able to play while i was with him.  I didn't have to focus on me so long as I was focused on him and his problems.  Now it's me face to face with myself- which is rough. 

My job is keeping my position and I retake my exam August 18th so I am extremely hopeful and have been studying every second of everyday.  I don't know if my job will keep my position for me if I fail again so I have that fire under my butt forcing me to not joke around this time.  I just feel like after this year, after these four years finally graduating and moving away from that place, that time in my life that for so many others is such a great experience- I was exhausted and in a way, needed time to mourn.  I know that sounds sick that i'm mourning the four years in which I was raped, built friendships only to watch them crash and burn and fall in love with some guy (Chris) who ended up stealing from my family and had a huge drug addiction.  I spent a year and a half giving everything I had to help him get better.  

I don't know if mourning is the right word.  Now that i'm farther away from it -it feels like i'm breathing in real air after being suffocated by smoke for so long.  But when I first moved home it felt like I was mourning it's loss.  I grew so used to being everyone's garbage dump.  Everyone took their problems out on me and if i spoke up I was coined "the bitch of the house."  Now that I am gone from the place of my rape, the place where I lost myself, I have to let go of it.  I'm still learning to let go, it's hard.  Being away from the place definitely helps though.  I've grown so used to viewing myself in a certain way.  I was sick, ugly, just altogether hated myself.  I can't say that i'm a hundred percent the opposite but i'm kind of ready to start that journey back to figuring out who I used to me, and who I am now.  

I have to go study...hopefully I'll get time to write more later.